Couples: Get back to first-date talking

Recently, I dropped by one of my favorite coffee shops (shall go unnamed, but let’s just say it has the best mocha this side of the river.) In the line behind me, I could sense a couple on their first date. They were dressed up and neither had their phone out. They had that required 2 feet apart distance going on because this was their first in-person meeting and both were maintaining eye contact and smiling. It was the ubiquitous getting-to-know-you questions that sealed the deal that this was indeed a first date:

“Where do you want to travel next?”

“What do you do for fun?”

“Have you ever been arrested?”

Each person, when asked, was saying

“I want ____”

“I enjoy_____”

“I have___”.

 Notice the use of the word “I.”

People on their first dates are speaking for themselves. They are both asking questions.

And yet, somewhere between a few months to a few years, couples in conflict are not speaking with “I” anymore.  When you overhear the couple married 10 years at the table next to you, the conversation may look like this: “You forgot to grab milk. You should exercise more. You need a break. You must book a doctor’s appointment. You always work too late.”

What’s the pattern there? The use of the word you. The shift in speaking from first person to second person. These couples have lost their curiosity, their sense of wonder with each other. They have assumed the role of mind reader and “I know better what my partner needs and wants than they do.”

The problem of speaking for your partner is that it is corrosive to friendship, the very foundation of a strong relationship. Imagine speaking for your friends when you meet to catch up. How fast would they bail? It wouldn’t be fun anymore. Same thing in your relationship: You’re no longer building up your partner or learning about them when you’re speaking for them. If you continue to speak at or for your partner, what’s left of the romantic feelings from the beginning of the relationship will slowly drip down the drain until there’s none left.

So what is the solution? What is the antidote?

Catch yourself the next time you’re saying “You….”

Speak for yourself! Say what you need and what you’re feeling, not what you think they need or are feeling. And ask questions-maybe (most likely) what your partner used to love and dream about doing has changed and you need to update your love map. They’ll feel seen and heard, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find out how your connection grows.