Couples: Escaping Emotional Triangles
In the film The Boss Baby (2017), the narrator Tim Templeton states: "Did you know that the triangle is the strongest shape found in nature?"
While a triangle is very much a sturdy shape that distributes weight evenly across 3 sides, an emotional triangle is not what you want sabotaging your romantic relationships.
An emotional triangle is a drama triangle. Before becoming a therapist, I used to say, “Save the drama for your mama.” The following will make you think twice about that advice if your mom is the kind who jumps into action to save you.
The Karpman drama triangle is a social model of human interaction proposed by San Francisco psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman. Within it, people take on the role of perceived victim, rescuer and persecutor. The triangle begins to take shape as the victim enlists someone outside the relationship to help with the conflict. The rescuer joins the triangle to “help,” or so it seems on the surface, but gets an ego boost from having someone depend on them. They enable and encourage the victim to stay in the victim role rather than empower them to speak directly to the “persecutor” who upset the victim in the first place. They may even tell off the partner for the victim, thus joining in the fray rather than helping the couple resolve the issue on their own.
It could be a triangle of you, your partner and her well-intentioned best friend. Or you, your partner and your protective mom. Or you, your partner and…you get the point: some other third person that does not belong in your relationship.
The problem with having a drama triangle is that the conflict does not get resolved between the couple. The original situation persists because venting to an outside party relieves stress and thus no one has to make any changes to their behaviors.
What is a distressed couple to do?*
Break the Triangle:
Recognize Your Role: Become aware of which role you frequently fall into.
Stop the Rescue: The Rescuer should stop intervening, allowing others to take responsibility.
Communicate Directly: Address conflicts with your partner rather than complaining to a third party. A book I highly recommend to help you with anger and communicating directly is The Dance of Anger.
Take Responsibility: Own your part in the drama rather than blaming your partner.
Please keep your friends and families as supports. You need relationships outside of your romantic one too! Just choose wisely and discriminate on who will simply listen and who might tend to rescue.
If you’d like more help disentangling from the triangles in your life, contact me for individual or couples therapy. I realize the irony would be that I am a third party. But I won’t be doing any rescuing. My goal is to get you turning towards each other to resolve conflict and then I’ll send you on your way, stronger and more confident in yourself and your relationships.
*Note: If you are in an abusive relationship, the "victim" role is not voluntary, and you should seek professional support. If in Austin area, contact SAFE https://www.safeaustin.org/.
