Supporting a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
“Let’s go get your things and move you out right now.” The instinct to move a friend or loved one out of an abusive relationship is all too familiar and understandable. Those words have been my words before. My 40 hours of training as a volunteer with the National Domestic Violence Hotline went right out the window when it was one of my own. Needless to say, my offer was not accepted and the relationship continued.
Watching a friend or loved one lose their light, their spark, to an unhealthy and unsafe relationship is heartbreaking. You want so badly to get them out of there, to remind them that they deserve better than the treatment they are receiving.
And yet they stay.
Perhaps they’re not ready to leave due to threats of what may happen if they try. They may stay because they’re feeling worthless and immobile after repeated insults and isolation. Sometimes it’s due to hope that things will improve. This hope can stem from attachment to their partner during the phases of the relationship in which their partner is sweet and loving.
With all of these challenges, how can you support your friend or family member?
First and foremost, support them by laying off telling them what to do. Their abuser is already controlling a lot of what they do. Empowering them to make their own decisions can be a balm amidst the stress of the relationship. Listen without judgment or blame. Let them know you believe them.
Remind your friend of their value. Compliment and praise them, because chances are, they are not hearing that at home and have begun to believe the negative words from their abuser.
Let them know you’re there to walk and/or listen, but offer resources for when they’re ready for professional help. Trained client advocates with the National Domestic Violence hotline can walk them through what to do and direct them towards community resources. Locally in Austin, the SAFE alliance is an agency serving survivors of child abuse, sexual assault and exploitation and domestic violence.
Take care of yourself as well. Vicarious trauma from supporting your loved ones is real. If you need more support, help with setting boundaries in your own relationships or a place to process, contact me here to see if therapy would be a good fit or for recommendations of other therapists/resources.
Resource for teens you may be worried about:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/
love is respect is a program of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, providing education and tools for navigating dating relationships, and is for young people ages 14-24.
