Setting Boundaries
Oftentimes, the holiday season can highlight how strong (or weak) your boundaries are.
Maybe you agreed to watch your sisters’ kids for a holiday party date night, but you never discussed what time this shindig would end. Now here you are at one in the morning, your eyes dry and your heart full of resentment as you wait…and wait.
Perhaps you signed up to bring cookies to a class party, but then were asked ever so sweetly to also make your famous homemade fudge and pick up the pizza donation on the way in, thus breaking your budget and any last ounce of free time you had.
You insisted you would not travel for Christmas this year, but then your mother-in-law called up to take you on a guilt trip. Now for the third year in a row, you have five households to hit for Christmas.
Why do we have such a hard time setting boundaries? For some, it stems from low self-esteem. You may seek your worth from others’ approval at the expense of your own desires and needs. For others, you might not have grown up with clear and consistent boundaries and now you feel unjustified and guilty as you attempt to make room for yourself.
It’s never too late to begin practicing boundary setting. Try these steps to begin to set some limits:
Ask yourself what you want and need this year.
Draw two circles: an inner smaller circle and an outer circle. In the inner circle, write what values or events you will not compromise on. In the outer circle, write down areas where you have flexibility on. Knowing ahead of time where you won’t bend and where you will can help you prepare to put your boundaries into action.
Let your yes mean yes.
In the book Nonviolent Communication, author Dr. Marshall B. Rosenburg advises you to notice how saying yes feels before you say it. Do you mean it? If your yes is really internally a no, honor yourself this holiday season and decline. You don’t need a long winded excuse. Three-year-olds just say no and mean it. Say no, or no thank you because you’re polite, and leave it at that. You’ll start to feel much more confidence and control over your life when you take ownership of your yes and no.
Accept the discomfort.
In the Let Them Theory book, another great read, especially if you’re a people pleaser, author Mel Robbins recommends letting people feel their feelings. If they’re mad at your new boundaries, let them be mad. They have a right to their feelings and you have no control over them, only yourself. Let them be, and let yourself have time to breathe and enjoy the season.
Wishing you peace and joy,
Laura
