Why Date Nights Can Feel Like Disasters
Why Date Nights Can Feel Like Disasters
It’s Thursday and you have declared that in order to bring romance and fun back into your marriage, you’re going to have a weekly date night. You never have a chance to talk to your partner because you’re juggling work, in-laws, soccer, piano, laundry and the plumber because why not? Something is always needing a repair.
You excitedly bribe the teenager down the street to baby-sit with more money than the neighbor next door and you’re off!
This is a brilliant plan. You bought a new dress, you put on makeup for once, and you just know the spark will be back. You will gaze into each other’s eyes lovingly over pasta and remember how much you adore each other.
Only… you find yourself in the car sitting in silence with nothing to talk about. Then you find yourself arguing with your partner about their lack of work-life balance. The date ends as you hastily wipe your face of tears before venmo-ing your sitter a million dollars for a colossal waste of time.
What happened?
If any part of this sounds familiar, know that you’re in good company. Many couples that are well past the honeymoon phase (I’m talking well past) try in good faith to put time aside for a date night as they’ve been recommended to do by a well-meaning friend or movie, only to watch it go up in flames.
The problem is these couples are running on empty. Date nights can quickly turn into “Let’s-talk-about-every-source-of-conflict-in-our-lives-because-we-finally-have-the-time.” If couples aren’t expressing gratitude and admiration for each other daily, a date night can be a continuation of the lack of intimacy already present. If couples have gotten out of practice truly listening to one another, then they don’t even know where to start in a conversation or what to ask.
Try This
If date nights haven’t been going well, maybe try taking off the pressure and build up to a date with these ideas before you shell out another 10 grand on evening plans.
Check in with your partner daily. Take turns listening for ten minutes without interrupting. In the words of the Gottmans, have a “stress reducing” conversation where both of you can feel seen and heard about stressors outside of the relationship.
Find ways to compliment each other every day. We’re quick to tell our partners what they need to fix, but not as quick to express gratitude. Masters of relationships emphasize the positive and minimize the negative.
Build intimacy and get to know your partner better with these open-ended questions. You might find yourselves laughing together at how wild some of the questions are, but that’s the point. You’ll definitely come away learning something new about your partner.
Remember to build your friendship first and then romance and intimacy will follow. If you’d like more ideas and space to strengthen your relationship, reach out here to schedule a free consultation.
