Grieving the Death of a Pet
Losing a pet, a beloved family member, hurts. Whether you had a sneaky little devil who constantly defied you, or you had a perfect angel who only aimed to please, the bottom line is you miss them. You wish you could have had more time with them. They provided you with unconditional love, and this pain, this grief you’re feeling, is love too. Although they are gone, the love remains.
Pet loss, like all loss, can be complicated. You don’t necessarily get a chance for closure in the way of a memorial or funeral. You don’t get the standard three days of bereavement leave at work, not that you magically feel better after 3 days anyway. This death loss may even bring up feelings from previous losses in your life and send you reeling. Your pain is real and there are ways to manage your difficult emotions that can lead to healing.
One of the first steps towards healing is to determine where you are in your grief process. There is no linear path. You may move through these out of order, or feel like you’re completely stuck on one step. There is no equation, but as you navigate your life without your loved one, take it slowly and be kind to yourself.
According to J. William Worden, there are four tasks of mourning:
1. To accept the reality of the loss.
2. To process the pain of grief.
3. To adjust to a world without the deceased.
4. To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life.
As you work towards acceptance and finding that enduring connection, the following can help:
Celebrate your pet’s life. Find pictures, make a slideshow and remember them in their happy moments before they got sick or were taken too soon. Talk to your family and friends who knew your pet and share stories.
Write them a letter. Tell them everything you loved about them, what you wish for them now, and what you want them to know.
Hold on to their belongings for as long as you wish. Donate their leashes, toys, or beds (in good condition) to other animals in need at a local shelter.
Take your time in getting a new pet. No one can replace the one you lost. Make sure you have processed your feelings and are emotionally ready to take on a new love. If you need more support, reach out for grief counseling with me here.
A note on children and grief:
For some kids, losing a pet is their first experience with death. Remember that their understanding of death is different from yours. Their concept of forever is still developing, so be patient with their repeated questions. Their grief shows up differently too. They may cry one moment, throw things in a fit of rage, and then jump to playing all within minutes.
Provide space to talk about your pet as needed. Be prepared for the questions that cause you to tear up. My own daughter frequently asked me when we could go pick up our dog from Doggie Heaven. Children are very literal in their thinking, so avoid euphemisms like “they went to sleep.” They might take this information and develop a fear of sleeping. Be direct with what happened with the death, but spare any details that may be too traumatic.
To help them with their own closure, involve them in remembering your beloved pet by having them draw a picture or write a letter. Stick to routines so that your kids can feel safe during this time of change. Lastly, take care of yourself so that you can show up for your kids. You set the tone for the grieving process. Show them it’s acceptable to cry so that they know crying is a release, a way to feel better. Most importantly, remember that the best way to help your children with their mental health is to take care of your own so that you can show up for them.
Helpful books about pet loss for kids:
The Invisible Leash by Patrice Karst
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
The Rainbow Bridge by Adrian Raeside
From one fur parent who has loved and lost to another, I wish you well. You are not alone.
